


the lights surrounding you

by mrs_nerimon



Category: Haven - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Family, Gen, Who even knows at this point
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-15
Updated: 2013-12-15
Packaged: 2018-01-04 18:48:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,235
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1084466
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mrs_nerimon/pseuds/mrs_nerimon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sarah, Lucy, Audrey, and their son.</p>
            </blockquote>





	the lights surrounding you

**Author's Note:**

> So as much as I loved this season, I was disappointed that they mentioned James twice, and then acted like he was never a thing.  
> This was born from my unresolved feels and the fact that I should probably be studying for exams right now.  
> Un-betaed, all mistakes are mine.

Sarah holds him for all of five days and five nights. It’s not enough, it’ll never be enough, but it’s all she’s going to get.

The first time they place him in her arms she cries. She can’t help it; she’s never been a weeper, and it wasn’t even the pain, not really, but she can’t stop the tears from sliding down her cheeks. 

He’s the most beautiful thing she’s ever seen. She doesn’t ever want to forget this, doesn’t see how anything could take this moment away from her. 

He squirms and cries out and she holds him close, kisses his head. 

_“Shhhh. It’s alright. You’re alright now.”_

There’s no one else in the world, it’s her and him and that’s all that will ever matter. 

_“Mama’s here. You’re alright now.”_

XXX 

A young woman who works at the bookstore, one of her few friends in Haven, puts her in touch with the Cogans.

They don’t ask many questions, but she tells them all she can anyway. She knows what parts of the story they won’t even believe.

They fall in love with James at first sight, and something breaks inside of her, watching the young couple coo over their new child.

Her child.

They ask her if she wants to say goodbye, and she almost tells them no. It feels like it will be too painful to look upon him anymore.

But she does, scoops him up in her arms one last time. Kisses his forehead and promises him she will always, _always_ love him.

“Goodbye.” She whispers into his skin.

He reaches up to grab at her curls, tiny fingers waving in the air. He’ll never remember this, never remember her. Maybe it’s better that way. 

XXX 

Sarah walks into the barn thinking of how he cried with others, but never when she held him. He cried when she left the Cogan's.

She cried after she shut the door.

She thinks of how it felt when he kicked in the middle of the night, how she loved him from the moment she found out, as terrifying as that moment was.

She thinks of Nathan and the beach, of an afternoon she wouldn’t take back, no matter the consequences.

Sarah thinks of happiness, and she accepts her fate.

XXX 

Lucy nearly loses it when she finds out.

All this time, _all this time_ they knew, and they didn’t tell her. Having a past life was enough of a shock, but this is incredible.

She had a baby. A son. 27 years ago and _no one ever bothered to tell her_.

She slams her gun into the wall of the Haven Herald in an attempt to save her knuckles, but the debris still hits them. She wants to scream, wants to curl up, wants to cry.

Vince and Dave both cower behind the counter, small and meek and useless.

And liars.

She feels bile rising in her throat, bites back the urge.

“I-I-I…. I’m sorry, we-“ Dave keeps moving his mouth but it’s not words coming out, it’s meaningless sound, lies, _lies, lies_.

“Where is he?”

It’s the first words she’s spoken in five minutes. The Teagues look at each other, exchange desperate glances.

She aims her gun, tries to ignore how her hand is bruised and bloodied and shaking.

“Where?”

“We don’t know.” Vince answers, standing up next to his brother. “Sarah never told us.”

“Never?” Her voice sounds like it’s about to break and she hates it. She’s not weak, she can’t be weak. Not even now.

Both Teagues shake their heads.

“Who was the father?” She feels her head spinning; hot on the heels of the revelation that there’s a baby is _there must have been a man_.

Silence.

“Was she…. _I_ married?”

Still neither man answers. She puts her gun down, hangs her arm at her side. They both know she’d never shoot them, although she imagines they do have some doubt to her stability after this episode.

“Talk to me.” She says, and it comes out more begging than anything else.

“Sarah didn’t like to talk about the baby.” Vince sounds mournful as he explains, like the loss is still fresh. “But no. She wasn’t married.”

Some part of that is relieving; somewhere out there, there isn’t a man wandering around wondering where she disappeared. Part of it hurts too; if someone loved Sarah, maybe they would love her too.

“So you don’t know?” Lucy tries to sound strong, but she knows the Teagues can see through it. She’s a scared little girl and this is only one of many hurdles she’s been met with since she started looking into the mysterious woman who looked just like her.

“No.” Vince and Dave glance to each other once again, but this time it looks more pitiful than she’d care to see. “Sarah didn’t say who the father was. She never said much about the baby at all.”

It doesn’t seem right. She couldn’t have kept this a secret for very long, sooner or later someone had to ask questions. There has to be a trail, where was he born, did Sarah always stay in Haven, where could she have taken her son?

_My son._

The Teagues don’t try to stop her as she storms out, the glass in the door rattling when she slams it.

XXX 

Lucy tries looking for him, roots through the birth records from 1956 but there’s no son born to a Sarah Vernon.

He shows up in town mere weeks after she finds out. The Teagues are smart enough to call her, even though she hasn’t been on speaking terms with them since the last incident.

It’s all wrong, she can’t deal with this now. The Hunter meteor storm is due in less than 30 days, the Troubles are getting worse and worse every week, and she can’t be faced with _this_ too.

She meets him at a restaurant down by the dock. She tries to strike up smalltalk, something she’s unfortunately never been very good at, but he doesn’t seem to mind all that much.

He’s from Colorado. She’s never been to Colorado, she thinks.

_But of course she has._

James gets more comfortable as the conversation continues. If he’s put off by a strange woman who acts like she wants to know everything about his life, he doesn’t show it.

He tells her he’s here to find his mother, that she gave him up when he was a baby and he always wanted to know who she was.

Lucy thinks of her own past and recognizes that desire. That doubt that, even though you had no control over it, somehow you weren’t enough.

She wants to absolve him of all of it.

He says he just married his high school sweetheart a few months ago. She wanted to come with him to Haven but she couldn’t take the time off work.

He sounds happy and well-adjusted and secure. The only part of his life that was unclear was _her_.

After a few beers Lucy begins to feel bolder.

“So what did you find out about her?” She asks, chin in one hand, the other circling the mouth of the bottle. “Your mother. Sarah.”

James looks up at her funny, squinting his eyes. “Nothing, really. The guys at the newspaper said they lost the records from that year.” He frowns, looks down at his lap then back up at her. “Did I tell you her name?” He asks, and Lucy stills her hand. “I didn’t, did I.”

“Small town.” She offers, shrugs the question away. “Word gets around with newcomers.”

His frown lessens. He clears his throat and stands up from the chair, grabbing his jacket. “Well, it was nice to meet you. I’ve really got to go.”

She almost can’t help the sudden panic that comes over her. She doesn’t want him to leave, because if he walks out that door odds are she’s never going to see him again.

“Are you sure?” She rises suddenly, snatches up her own coat. “I mean, it’s barely 10-“

“I’ve got a long drive in the morning.” He begins to walk towards the door and she follows him automatically, pushing out of the crowded place into the cool night air.

“Well if you want to meet up in the morning or something-“

James turns to face her and she sees uncertainty in his blue eyes. “I’m sorry, ma’am, but really-"

“I can tell you about Sarah.” It spills out before she can stop it, and suddenly Lucy wishes she could pluck the words out of the air and stow them away. “I know Vince and Dave said they didn’t have anything, but I can tell you.”

He looks at her uneasily. “Look, if you’re playing me-“

“I’m not.” She wishes she didn’t sound so upset right now; at least one of them should be confident in this situation. “Sarah Vernon. She came here in August 1955. She was a war nurse.”

He doesn’t respond, merely looks at her with wide eyes.

“I have a photo, if you want it.”

“How?” He steps closer to her, and for the first time she realizes he towers over her. “Did you know her?”

She doesn’t know how to begin, how to put all the pieces together in a way that he’ll believe.

“How much time do you have?”

XXX 

They start meeting at the diner from then on. James tells her he likes their coffee but really she knows he likes how empty it is, how they’re usually the only ones there.

She’s glad he decides to extend his stay in Haven. She knows he wanted to skip town after that first night, but some part of her would have disappeared with him.

He pushes his fork back and forth on his plate and Lucy knows he has something to say, but he isn’t sure how.

It’s odd, she thinks, how she’s already picked up on all of his little mannerisms. The way he pinches his nose when he’s thinking hard, the quiet little smile he gives her. 

“Can you, uh-“ His tone is quiet, a whisper meant for only her. He seems to reconsider for a minute, and then continues. “Do you remember my father?”

Lucy falters. _No, of course not._ Aside from a few brief flashbacks that ended with nose bleeds and headaches, she doesn’t remember anything of Sarah.

She sees the glint in his eyes, knows he’s far from a little boy, but maybe he still succumbed to that desire to make up fantastical stories about a hero birth father and a mother who gave him the best chance.

She knows whatever he created in his mind, he certainly didn’t expect this.

“I don’t….” She trails off, thinking suddenly of that repeating dream of a mystery man and a picnic on the beach. He looks like James, she thinks.

James looks like him.

The dreams started after her first memory of Sarah fought its way to the surface. It’s not conclusive, but maybe it’s the best she’ll ever be able to give him.

So she tries to picture the man, the lines of his face. The image seems to swim in and out of her mind.

“He had lovely eyes.” She manages.

James glances down at his food.

“You have them too.”

He nods quickly, and they finish the rest of the meal in silence.

He doesn’t ask again.

XXX 

Lucy cradles his head against her chest, strokes his cheek, whispers into his hair.

She feels the tears sliding down, can’t seem to stop them.

There’s a white hot anger coursing through her, driving out her grief.

_She should have saved him. She should have sent him far, far away from this town._

She was selfish. She wanted to know him. She wanted to have time together before she forgot him all over again.

She lead her own son to his death.

James looks almost peaceful, eyes closed, face unmarred.

She releases his body, leans him back against the wooden pole.

She takes a few ragged breaths, attempts to compose herself as she sees others stride across the sand. Onlookers, bystanders. Too late now.

_There’s another way_ , a voice in her head whispers. _There’s gotta be another way._

XXX 

Audrey feels his heartbeat under her hand, the way his chest rises and falls with soft breaths.

He doesn’t say anything, and she’s almost grateful. There’s nothing that could be said, nothing that could fill the space.

She doesn’t know what to tell him. She’s doesn’t remember being the woman who gave birth to him or the woman who gave up her own life to bring him back.

She runs her hand over his head, tugs him closer to her. There’s nothing more she can do.

“Audrey?” His voice is barely a whisper, and she leans back to look at him.

Bright blue eyes. She knows those eyes.

“I’m sorry.”

“Hey, shhhh. It’s fine. You’re alright now.” She feels on autopilot, like she’ll say anything to reassure him, to make this okay.

“I don’t-“ He pauses, grimaces like he’s in pain. “I should have know you…. You wouldn’t kill me.”

Audrey shakes her head, brushes her fingers against his cheek. 

“It’s okay now.”

His eyes slip closed and she pulls him into her.

The tears fall silently as she holds him in her arms for the last time.


End file.
